Inner demons at the dark ocean

At the dark sea
The waves crash loudly in front of me in the absolute darkness of the new moon night. The seemingly endless masses of water that rise up to the horizon in front of me are menacing. There is no moonlight, and the stars and the lights of the wide promenade suggest that there is still something out there. 

To the sound of soft music, the waves crash powerfully onto the beach in front of me. All dark, I look for this spectacle with the warm wind on my neck. I just want to be alone with myself. It feels frightening to encounter the forces of nature. At new moon in the deep black night. Filled with awe, I sleep here on the beach at my feet, the mighty indomitable cosmos. Here I feel powerful. Here I feel awe. Here I feel small.

Anti-child
That inner voice that whispers inconspicuously in your ear, stirring up prejudices without proof, only on suspicion. Unsympathetic to myself. I was at the mercy of the programming and influences of my childhood. I was an anti-child. I was almost aborted. Taken from my mother after birth, operated on and placed in isolation quarantine. I was ill for many years and often jumped off the brink of death. Not a start in life that strengthens basic trust. Perhaps one day I will be able to change this programming. I am learning to live with it, because at least I am alive and grateful for every morning. I am grateful for the people close to me.  ...but sometimes this feeling of loneliness comes over me.

The sunrise wakes me up
How nice to be here this morning. But the first negative thought loops come quickly. I look back at my footprints in the sand. Instead of the joy I had hoped for, I am greeted by self-deprecation. The inner critic whispers in my ear: "Your footprints look like a waddling duck. You should have seen an orthopaedic surgeon to fix that."

WHAT!!! “ What's going on? Why this self-loathing right back in my head? What am I supposed to affirm? What reality am I supposed to create? Fears and thoughts of betrayal flood my emotions. I have to listen to myself: “Was it an ambush? Does someone want something from me again? Who is conniving? ....What kind of burden do I have to carry?” How do I free myself?

And the wonderful sun rises and paints a sky that knows nothing of such worries.

Date 03 August 2024/ Nights of the Red Lion Newmoon